In this 21st century life, one is often met with desires and delusions. The biggest problem is not what to do about them, but how to sort one from the other, especially when the line between them is so thin. I've found myself thinking about this lately, and I must say, its a pain in the ass to deal with. One the one had you have a desire, something, or someone, you want so terribly for what ever reason it may be. Thinking about it makes you happy, maybe even a little annoyed at times, but you still want it. It could be flawed, it could be perfect, but it's still what you want because even the bad things make it everything you want. Or does it?
Is it really what you want? Or just what you THINK you want? Here comes the delusion part...are you over thinking it? Is it just something that seems perfect because you don't have it at this moment? It's so hard to differentiate between these two things. I've been taking this for granted until recently. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. When I finally got the chance to do it, I realized that, while I could do it every so often, making it a career was just not going to work for me. So now, I'm a senior in college and have no idea what on earth I'm going to do when I graduate.
I love my degree of study, and I have plenty of opportunities because of it, but I had this plan for my life. I was going to go to college, study something I love, find a guy to love and who would love me, know where I wanted to go after school, have plans with said guy for life in the future, get a great job and a fantastic apartment.... But now, I have only truly accomplished one of those things. The rest of my desires, or maybe my delusions, still haven't come to me. And normally, I would worry, but with every one under my little sun starting to get all of these things, I feel a bit behind in the race. I'm even at the point where I wonder if it's even worth the desire anymore...
But it is. The desire to one day have these things, even if I want them now, keeps me driven. I know that I will be successful in whatever life throws at me in terms of a job, and that, with all the crap I've been through in my short little love life on life-support, I'm going to find a good guy to love me and care about me the way that I desire and deserve. I just keep reminding myself each day that I'm getting a little bit closer to getting it all. It's frustrating, and more often then not I'm not as positive as I should be, but I'll be damned if my delusional ass doesn't get what I want, and that is the fuel of my desires.
